Answers (finally!)

Hey guys! Sorry sorry sorry for the delay; there was some ridiculous miscommunication junior/senior year business... Anyway, we now present, finally, the long-awaited next installment of: [Answers to] Questions for the GSA

Questions for the GSA

Q: Have you ever come out? How did the person you came out to react right after? The same or differently?

     A: I've come out to several people. The reactions differ from person to person. Some of the best reactions I've had were along the lines of, "ok, but why is that a big deal?" Many of my friends were willing to accept me no matter what, and didn't have any problems with my sexuality. One of my friends was very angry when I told her because she felt I had snubbed her by not letting her know about it sooner. I had to explain that I hadn't always been completely aware of my sexuality and that I was not trying to keep secrets from her. It was a strange experience.

     The worst experience I have ever had with a friend was over the internet. He was the first person I told and I was very scared that he would have a problem with it, so I told him over email (never a good choice). He responded, "so, is this just a phase, or is this a lifestyle choice you are making?" It hurt. I was unable to think of anything to say back, and I didn't talk to him for a couple of days because I was so afraid of the comments he would make, even in passing. I was justified in my fear – a few days later, I met up with him at a party and the first thing he told me was that I looked very "Katy Perry".

Q: How can a straight friend support gay friends/acquaintances?

     A: Generally, people who are GLBTetc. (for simplicity I'll just say 'queer' from here on out) just want to be accepted. So, to that end: don't make a big deal about their queerness. You don't need to vocalize at every moment that you're supportive, because more often than not that just indicates awkwardness and discomfort with the whole issue. When sexuality becomes a non-issue, people feel truly accepted. Don't treat your friend's sexuality as if it were made of glass--accepting doesn't mean never bringing it up ever ever ever. Don't be afraid to talk about sexuality (theirs and in general), even joke about it, good-naturedly, in a way that doesn't bother them. If something confuses you or you want to know something or you're curious about something... ask! Because people would rather you understand and have all the facts, plus we generally appreciate candor. Don't be ignorant--if you don't know something, then ask. Don't be offensive--no stupid jokes where gayness is the punchline, no gay slurs, etc. Other than that... just be natural, speak your mind, don't be afraid of sexuality. Let them know that you're still their friend.

     Outside of social stuff, you can look around on websites of some GLBT organizations (HRC, for example, or GLSEN, which is a very good one for students) and even ask your friends if there's some social cause you can volunteer for, or some event you can participate in. Go to GSA meetings. Do Day of Silence. When people are being homophobic, inadvertently or not, call them on it.

Q: I am a high school boy, I am physically attracted to guys, and I came to terms with this a long time ago. However, I have recently realized that my emotional/romantic attraction is more with girls. This sort of puts me in a dillema, what should i do?

     A: Is the problem that you get romantically attached to girls, but it's not enough to give you a physical attraction to them? If that's the case, I wouldn't consider this much of a dilemma. My advice is to look past the binary. I'm not a believer in destiny, but my experience is that whatever your specific needs or desires, there are people out there who fill them. There are women who have male bodies, and while some of them are looking to change that, not all are. Seek out individuals who identify in this way (or have other non-binary identities you might be attracted to). I advise you to so a little bit of research into trans identity (G/SA will have a discussion on it pretty soon, we swear), and start thinking about ways in which the lines might blur favorably for you. Keeping in mind that not all people are just girls or just boys could help you find romances that satisfy you on multiple levels.

     A: Unless you are feeling an attraction towards on specific girl, I see no dilemma here. Sure, classifying yourself becomes a little trickier, but you're in high school. What you call yourself now may be completely different from the label you identify with ten years from now. Sexuality is very, very flexible.

     If there is a specific girl, well, that becomes an i-have-a-crush-on-this-girl problem, and I am not the best one to answer your query. If you are worried that this girl does not know you are (also?) attracted to girls, and you want to make this known to her so as to pursue a relationship, that's your prerogative.

     Otherwise, labels are for soup cans.

Q: Am I bi/bicurious? i'm a girl, and although i would never want to have a relationship with another girl (way too much moodiness) i would NOT mind AT ALL making out with some of my friends. i'm also attracted to guys, but i obviously know more about girls' bodies. so i'm not really sure, honestly. any ideas? but remember i would NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL.

     A: I think you should try to think about why you so emphatically insist that you would NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL. If it's because you genuinely do not form romantic attachments with girls, then you're probably straight, and just not repulsed by the idea of kissing girls. Not minding something is not really the same as actively desiring it. On the another hand, if your reason for never wanting a relationship with a girl is that they're too moody, (or some latent ingrained heterocentrism you might not even recognize), then you're probably bi or curious, and you just need to avoid moody women. i promise that some women are laid-back. Also, with knowing more about women's bodies, I presume the implication of adding that was that you know more about how to please women's bodies, though I could be wrong... just keep in mind that knowledge is all about how you use it and how you want to use it. There's no harm in trying things and seeing how you like them, and there's no harm in letting your partners know when something is just for fun, or just an experiment. We in the queer community advise you to conduct these experiments in areas where they won't be misinterpreted (most notably not at parties), but it's really up to you how you go about it.

Q: I am an out lesbian member of GSA, but I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable asking this question in person so I'm doing it anonymously. Recently I was talking to a friend about dressing in drag and I began almost unconsciously to take back everything I'd said. This is not an isolated incident; in general I've been more timid about expressing myself and being out to most people or flamboyantly gay to even my close allied and queer friends. I feel really comfortable with myself, so why am I having this problem? Even the fact that I've chosen to send this question without my name attached makes me doubt myself. I'm not really sure what to do.

     A: I'm not 100% positive what you're asking, but I'll try to answer anyway. I get the sense that you're worried because you feel yourself going back on your coming out, so to speak. Well, the first thing to do is ask yourself whether you're becoming any less gay. (I guess a better way to put that is, are you feeling yourself more attracted to guys, or less attracted to girls, or some other such shift in your sexuality?) There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. Don't feel like you're wishy-washy, don't agonize about having made a mistake by coming out too early, don't do the straight-people thing of hoping it's a phase, and that soon you can go back to being plain ol' gay. Sexuality isn't simple. Sexuality is fluid and shifts a lot, and very few people are completely monosexual. So if you feel your sexuality shifting, don't stress. It doesn't mean you were wrong when you came out as gay, it doesn't mean you necessarily aren't gay... basically, all it means is that you should slow down a little and think things through, and figure out what label, if any, best suits you.

     There's another big possible reason for toning down the flamboyance, which is simply that you're starting to feel too flamboyant. I know that personally, when I first came out, I was ridiculously flamboyant and outspoken, because I wanted to be out to absolutely everyone, and I wasn't all that secure in my sexuality. But after a while I started to realize that my loud, obnoxious GAYNESS was... well, loud and obnoxious. I was only doing it because of my insecurities, because I wanted everyone to know that I was gay-hear-me-roar. And of course, my loud obnoxious gayness got me branded my grade's "token lesbian." I thought about all this stuff, and I realized that sexuality isn't as big a deal as some people (like myself) made it out to be, and I toned down the flamboyance.

     So, you may be wanting to tone down for a number of reasons. (For me, it was a combination of realizing I was obnoxiously flamboyant, and starting to question my sexuality in the other direction--so I maybe didn't want to be called a "lesbian" anymore.) It doesn't mean you're uncomfortable with yourself or that you're not expressing yourself--it sounds to me like you're just a little hazy on what "yourself" is at the moment. If being yourself around the people you love and trust feels uncomfortable, then there's a good chance yourself. So basically: don't stress. Relax, let things be what they'll be. Slow down, think things through, and don't feel bad/indecisive/whatever for having to slow down and think things through. Just figure out how you feel comfortable.

That's it for now! Check back later for more stuffs. Read the blog, tell your friends, email us at hchs.gsa@gmail.com if you want to get in touch, or drop us a comment. Click HERE to ask us questions (completely anonymously!) for this week. Peace out!